Accept Conflict

"There they go again."  Walking through the Gospel of Mark you find yourself saying that a lot when you focus on the actions of Jesus' disciples.  "There they go again."  Over and over again you see story after story of the disciples acting so... human.  They play out the truth that whenever you have two or three people gathered together you have two or three different opinions.  They mess up.  They misunderstand.  They say strange things that make you wonder if they are paying attention.  They argue.  Yes, these men were human.

Just look at Mark 9:33-34.  "Then they came to Capernaum; and when [Jesus] was in the house he asked them, 'What were you arguing about on the way?'  But they were silent, for on the way they argued with one another who was the greatest."  There they go again.  Traveling the countryside with Jesus, and what do they do?  They argue with one another about who is the greatest.  You just wanna shake your head.

But, considering just how human these disciples are, it really should not come as any surprise that they have disagreements or that they argue.  It is human nature and it does us a whole lot of good as community when we realize and accept that disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are a normal part of how groups of people interact with one another.

There is a document that was produced by the Lombard Mennonite Peace Center that has changed the way I view conflict.  It is called "Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love" and it lays out 12 points to help communities deal with disagreements.  There are points that lay out how you can come to a compromise.  There are points that encourage mediation.  There are points that affirm that even in the midst of conflict we are still one in the Lord: a reality that never changes. 

But at its most basic, it is the first half dozen of the points that get into the realities of who we are as humans and how Christ calls us to be in relationship with him and one another.  The very first point has changed my life.  "In thought... ACCEPT CONFLICT.  Acknowledge together that conflict is a normal part of our life in the church." 

Wow... accept conflict.  Conflict is normal.  All my life I have lived under the mantra of AVOID CONFLICT: Acknowledge that it hurts to disagree so lets walk lightly on those egg shells because its just to painful to experience conflict in a church.  How about that, avoiding conflict isn't actually a healthy way to be community.  Avoiding conflict forces you to be someone you are not because you will not share your views for fear of upsetting someone.  Avoiding conflict doesn't work because egg shells break really easy and when they do we all seem to end up with egg on our face. 

Instead, acknowledging together that disagreements are normal is so liberating.  No more eggshells.  You can express yourself.  You can have different opinions.  And its okay... even in the church.  The Gospel of Mark sure teaches us that as the followers of Jesus again and again model the fact that conflict and disagreements go with being community. 

But of course this list does not end with number 1: Accept Conflict... no more than Jesus lets it stand that his disciples argued with one another on the road.  As most of you know, a lot of people do a terrible job at expressing those opinions when conflicts arise.  The disciples did... and just about all of us have too.  Therefore in thought we also AFFIRM HOPE because God walks with us so we can work to growth.  In thought we also COMMIT TO PRAYER because we need God's help and we need to pray for a mutually satisfactory solution. 

James 5:16 puts it so well, "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed.  The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective."

When the disciples argued about who was the greatest, Jesus was disappointed about the very issue they were debating.  He makes it clear that the one who is greatest is the one who serves. He takes a little child in his arms says "Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me (Mark 9:37)." 

This is first a model for service, but it is also a model for how we behave when we disagree.  Points 4-7 of "Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love" call us to "In action... GO TO THE OTHER IN A SPIRIT OF HUMILITY.  Stay connected to the one you disagree with and express yourself in a spirit of gentleness, patience and humility.  What emotions do you usually feel when you need to express to someone that you disagree?  When you live according to the rule of avoiding conflict chances are that you will be quite nervous or even angry about needing to disagree, after all we're supposed to be avoiding conflict.  It doesn't have to be that way, however.  Can you express yourself in a spirit of love and humility even when you disagree, even if the person you are talking with is getting angry?

When Jesus picks up that little child and speaks of welcoming that child in my name, he teaches us all that even the least in society should be served.  But I also think he teaches us that in all of our relationships, even when there is disagreement, you should be able to approach your brother or sister as if he or she was a delicate little child.  We should grant that child of God the respect of listening to them, even when the option they share is different from yours.

"In thought... BE QUICK TO LISTEN and SLOW TO JUDGE."  Seek as much to understand as to be understood and suspend the labeling, name calling and threats.  

How many times in our families and in our workplaces and in our churches have we found ourselves saying: "There they go again?"  How many times have you argued over the same stuff?  How many times have you felt you were not listened to, even as you shut out what the other person was saying?  There we go again.

The disciples did and we do it.  But we don't have to follow the same patterns over and over again.  In Christ we have been given life and hope, which extends even into our relationships with others.  Accepting conflict helps free us from the bonds of fear that prevent us from being truly ourselves in community.  Among friends... among brothers and sisters in Christ... we can talk about anything and move forward to growth.